I just pynch a tree in the face
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This baby is an asshole
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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