I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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