Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
