Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
