dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
