dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
