I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
