you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize