her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
