Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
