I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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