Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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