you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
