but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
