Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
