he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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