I just pynch a tree in the face
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
