Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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