Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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