My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
