whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
