So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
