It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
