I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
