He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
