How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize