You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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