I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
