Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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