sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
