There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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