last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
