you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
tequila makes me forget i have legs
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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