I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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