just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize