Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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