i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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