i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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