apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
