thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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