The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just high enough for therapy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
