if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
