woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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