Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
