The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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