life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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