Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
