So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
