I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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