Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Terrible idea I love it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize