My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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