You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
