Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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