in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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