Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
