I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
