I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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