i just sent this text using only my big toe
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We just shotgunned beers for America
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
