I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
