At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
