Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
