I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
