i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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