I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
